Letter from a SURVIVOR

This letter goes out to every person (men and women alike) who has survived rape. It is in response to the below link and the video featured in it. Please do view the link before reading. Thanks :)

http://www.astroulagam.com.my/Lifestyle/articledetails/tabid/4238/articleId/700/malaysianindianmenrapevictim

Ironic Logic

Dear women,

Life is infinite. No one has the power to give or take life because life is a gift and a truly expensive one at that. One I'm pretty sure no men or women can afford. Hence, no one should be going about commenting on whether or not they would 'give life' to these rape victims. I believe life is what you make of it and tragedies like rape are nothing but a mere dent or a fallen tree in the path of the victim. Dealing with it and coming out stronger rests purely on the victim's shoulders. No one else can do much at making a difference in this matter cause a second chance at life is one that you grant yourself; not one at which you wait and hope for some bloke to walk into your life and present you with in the form of a ring or in this case, the Holy Thaali. People have to understand that rape is not a disease and it's never the victim's fault. Same goes to any crime that makes our world a living hellhole. And sometimes, above all else, the victims have to understand and accept this fact. Only then will they stop looking at themselves as damsels in distress, in need of rescue. Life is still as it is; a gift. Rape doesn't change it, and it's up to you what you want to make of it. Also women are strong. There's no debating that. We have got to stop acting like we aren't.

As for whether or not a said man would marry a rape victim is totally up to him as it purely falls under his autonomy and no one else's. He does not need to answer to anyone for his lifestyle choices no matter how shallow they are, for they are his decision to make and the society honestly has no say in it. Hence we, the society really have no business judging his lifestyle choices; just like no one can say anything on my choice of cheese or your choice of underwear. He may be Indian, Malay, Chinese or belong to any ethnicity for that matter, it does not change these facts. And the media is playing a really sad game like the one played in high schools where a person's lifestyle choices are paraded publicly so that those who disagree might join in and ridicule them. Even if it's for a chivalrous cause, doesn't make it all right does it?

On hindsight, there are truly many men out there. As many as there are who would base their choice of a future bride on whether or not she was a rape victim, there are equal numbers if not more who just couldn't fucking care less. And as educated women of today, shouldn't we rather go for those than the shallow ass-wipes who think marrying a rape victim is a downright tragedy, without a second thought? After all, it's really our choice to make and say "I won't settle for the likes of you!" instead of it being the other way around. I mean c'mon sweethearts, we're worth so much MORE.
Sincerely,
A Survivor.

A MALAYSIAN DEGREE

  We live in a Malaysia today where every person is compelled to at least have a degree at their disposal in order to make it in the working world.   We see parents stereo-typically forcing their kids to become “professionals”; i.e: doctors, lawyers, engineers, architects or venture into fields that are up and coming in the marketplace. The worth of a degree today sadly,depends on its major and 90% of job ads on job search sites require a degree to even qualify for an interview.  In Malaysia, education is no longer the building block of a developed nation. A degree is. But what does a degree really amount to in Malaysia?

 A degree ensures optimal earning. A degree also means a house, a car, better spousal prospects and every other tit and tat that makes the American Dream. Yes, we are not Americans and neither are we residing in America. But the world we live in today promotes security in monetary and material terms. Truth be told, we are part of a hedonistic society that does not take geography into account when it comes to bench-marking success. We want to be America. No, I’m not saying that a member of the society who is a not a degree holder can’t afford a house, a car and the other components of a modern life that we nowadays consider to be a necessity. All I’m saying is it’s just that much harder for a non-degree holder to fulfill the American Dream. Why? Because the road they walk will be a rougher one that involves a higher volume of struggles for a much lower income -- to begin with. Individuals with a degree go home with a bigger paycheck compared to their degree-less colleagues who have the same job or even worse, contribute more to their company’s development then they ever will.

Nowadays, a cert plays a huge role in every person’s life as far as the social ladder is concerned. If you have the papers, automatically your social status is elevated exponentially. You are seen as a role model or someone to look up to for those occupying the lower rungs of the social ladder; i.e.: The Degree-less Joes. Also, a child who is a degree holder is the pride and joy of every Asian family. Every family gathering, get- together, house warming parties, birthday parties and even baby christenings always features a new ‘golden’ child that has made it with a degree. It’s like watching a music video, really; “Happy Birthday to Raj: featuring Arvind's degree”. Asian parents tend to compare their kids with their nephews, nieces and even their friend’s kids in terms of grades -even more at these gatherings than in the privacy of their family homes- and are always pushing them to look at education as a competition. Hence, the one way road to making the elders of your family happy? GET A DEGREE!

 A degree also means you have a bigger variety of jobs to choose from compared to someone without a degree.  As 90% of the job ads on any given job search site requires the applicant to be at least a degree holder, having a degree increases your job opportunities by that much. Basically, your market value in the workplace will skyrocket with the only difference between you and the next person being a degree. Hence, a degree obviously screams OPPORTUNITY for every degree holder. Also, a degree ensures security when the economy fluctuates as it’s common knowledge that the person without the degree will be the first to get laid off with a severance package when companies need to cut down on staffing during an economy downturn-- unless he/she comes with some crazy amount of work experience.

 But in all honesty, Malaysians are what make up Malaysia. Hence, any change that this nation needs has to be inspired by us. We, as a nation need to give in to a paradigm shift in order to attain the status of a First World Country; to be on par with the other developed countries of the globe. Hitherto, we have succumbed to western hegemony due to our mentality that puts westerners and their culture on a pedestal. And when did we learn to accept this as a norm? That’s right! From the very time the socialization process began for each and every one of us. Parents who are primarily responsible for the socialization of a child tend to instill in their children the idea that every successful individual on the planet holds a degree at the very least. And this is thanks to the upbringing that revolutionized their era of glory. In their time, the level of a person’s education was the price tag of their worth. However, in today’s world, even in developed countries knowledge and talent holds more if not equal amount of water than a cert would (depending on the industry). Developed countries are developed for one reason: they adapt to change. Sadly, I can’t say the same for Malaysia. A stellar example would be the world renowned Bill Gates. Yes, he was a college dropout. Yes, he did not have a degree when he started up Microsoft. Yes, he saved Steve Job’s ass in 1997 when Apple’s fortunes were about to hit rock bottom. And yes, he hired his former classmate- a degree holder to work for him and many other degree holders following that. The point that I’m trying to make here is that Gates made a mark in the IT industry without a degree because America gave him a chance. If Gates was a Malaysian residing in Malaysia, would his story have seen equal if not the same ending? I’m afraid not.

  Ironically, the value of education has depreciated with the number of degree holders appreciated in Malaysia. Why am I saying this? Well the blunt truth is, in Malaysia a huge majority of people tend to major in courses that are not necessarily their field of interest; studies that aren't driven by a passion to learn. They read books that don’t instigate their interest a single bit just because they think it will pay more in the future than to be actually studying something they enjoy, are talented in or even makes them happy. Due to this phenomenon, there are 2 outcomes. Number one, more people leave their universities with a degree at their disposal but only a select few actually does well enough to deserve it. And these select few are usually the ones that are passionate about their field of study. The rest are there just to get it done and over it; to be known as a graduate at the end of the 2 years they put in. Number two, the job market for professions that are ‘in demand’ become too saturated way too quickly. And as a result, the students who pinned their hopes on getting an education for a job instead of getting an education for life are rendered jobless, living in their parent’s basements at the age of 28, doing jobs that they resent because the degree they've got just doesn't pay as much as they dreamed it would have. As sad as it is, that is the case in many industries today. And as a result, we have a poor work force that has limited talent and a stunted mind which in turn affects the development of our nation as a whole. Yes, it is a domino effect; a sad one at that.

Please do not misunderstand.I am not against degrees; I'm merely for talent. Yes, parents should encourage their kids to pursue the area of their interest instead of what would pay handsomely as there is honestly a higher chance of these kids being great at what they’re doing and consequently being happy individuals on the whole. And talent acquisition teams in the job market should actually start hiring talents instead of degrees. I believe talent is colour and life is dull without colour. Also, we're living in a world where any tom, dick and harry can BUY a degree these days. So why should it be of more value compared to talent which is rare and exponentially much more potent? Quoting one of  my many favourite authors, William Butler Yeats:  Education is not the filling of a bucket but the lighting of a fire! That honestly, gives true value to a degree.

Psalms and Laments: THE VOODOO DOLL

All I've hoped for is to find love,
But that hope; it came to naught.

All I've done is love another,
But that love; it's a knife to my heart.

All I've longed for is simple happiness,
But that happiness; it's a distraught to my joy.

All I've built is a dream of  belonging,
But that dream; it's never a home.

And all in all I gave you myself,
But that gift, that gift.
That very gift; you made it your voodoo doll.

-Esther J. (15th Dec 2014/ 9.:35 p.m,)

      THE VOODOO DOLL

Oru Kavithai: ARASIYAR PEYAR KONDE PENN

Arasiyar peyar konde penne,

Bathil koore naan thayar,sevimaduke nee thayaaraa?

Yehn inthe mogam unnidathil vanthathu ;kelvikuri

Vidai solvatharku naakkil thembillai.

En kadantha kaalattei ninattu kanneer sinthukiren.
Ittenei naal enggu iruntayo nee?

Nee urangum azhagai kandu ennai naane marenthirukkiren.

Kaarenem thoongum thevathayai idhuvarai naan kandethillei..
Irulei kandu padhungiye en manam
Nee pohtte minvilakkal puttunarchi pettradhu

Edisonin pugalai en valvil parave seithai

Ittenei naal enggu iruntayo nee?

Vaarthaigal pala irukum solvatharku unnidam
Kandathadhum paranthu poividum kaatril.
Uppu karikiradhu endru kadalaiye pagaitthu kolle thayaraginen,
Thalaiyil koddi kadalil muthu iruppathai nyabagapaduttinai
Pakkatthil oru aasiriyaraga nindru.
Ittenei naal enggu iruntayo nee?

‘NAAN’ endre aganthai  ennai kavvikondathu
poottiya en manavasalukku nee sonthakkariyanapin..

-Katthiravan Karnan (2013)



This is something he wrote for me a year back. Just found it in my PC. I love you too babe, even though parts of it I tak faham sangat  :P

Healing Hands for Hurting Hearts.

"Work like you don't need the money. Dance like no one is watching. And love like you have never been hurt."

- Mark Twain - 

Acceptance creates a home amongst people whose hearts beat a spectrum of rhythms.

Acceptance is vital. It creates a home in places that the human mind cannot conceive ; amongst people whose hearts beat a spectrum of rhythms. To most, acceptance by the masses is the sole purpose of life. From kindergarten playrooms to old lady tea parties, life is always a popularity contest. Wanting to be popular transcends fame and glamour, it is the need to be accepted; to be known as an important part of the bigger picture.The more society accepts an individual, the higher they go up the ladder of popularity. And as a consequent, a sense of security comes into place. When a popular kid at school becomes 'old news', he suffers an emotional back lash to a certain level but it's the kid that occupies the lower rungs of the popularity ladder that really feels the heat should he loose the acceptance and love from the only few friends he had. And that's because acceptance or rather insecurity works just like pressure. Physics explains that pressure is equivalent to the amount of force exerted over a given area. In terms of insecurity, force is replaced by the need for acceptance and area is replaced by the number of people that contribute to acceptance. The more people available to cushion the  need for acceptance, the more security is derived. Even out of high school, while there are some that need the acceptance and approval of every tom, dick and harry in their lives, there are some individuals that only seek to be popular amongst the people they really care about. These people, more often than not dedicate all of their heart,soul and strength to making certain relationships work. And when the relationship flails or worst, fails, they suffer a hurt so deep that at times even time cannot heal. As a result, they become too scared to love; too afraid to let someone else in. And sadly, this becomes a very unhealthy circle because hurting people hurt others and history is condemned to repeat itself.

Just like many things in life, happiness is a choice. One cannot be happy without unless they're happy within. A person can only truly be happy when he is able to be happy with nothing at all but himself. Everyone around is chasing after something that they believe would give them true happiness. If they would only stop for a bit and search themselves, many would discover that their constant need to chase after things has a lot to do with the growing void within themselves that happiness is supposed to fill. When I was much younger, I used to chase after my dad's acceptance and approval. His mark of approval meant the whole world to me; it was my security and my guide to what's important and what's right. And then came a time, I couldn't meet his standards no matter how hard I tried and that made me feel worthless. There were days when I would just pretend like everything is good and fine with the world and when no one watched me in the shower, I would cut myself. Growing up, I was a kid with a lot of issues and frankly, no one could get across to me. I was a door shut so tight that no crowbar could break open; I was hurting. And at the end of everyday I would lie in bed wondering, what went wrong where? Whose fault is it? WHO IS TO BLAME? As time passed by I realized, that there was no one to blame but my self and here is why.

Just be good enough for yourself. . .

The court of justice is there to make some right for all the wrongs in the world. But when justice is served, is it fair enough? If it is, why are the victim of the wrong and their loved ones  still left with hurting hearts? In the case of rape, in Malaysia the rapist can be punished for a term extended to 20 years and is also liable to whipping. But in the eyes of the victim, is the punishment to par to the nightmare he/she endured? Definitely not. There is only so much the court of justice can make right. But when it comes to hurt, shame and self-loathe, there is nothing really that anyone can do to make things right for the rape victim again. No one but themselves that is. It's true that rape is an issue that is happening everyday around us but truth be told not everyone endures it. Heart break on the other hand is something that each of us has to face at some point in our lives. And more often than not, we are going to face people that are going to make us feel like we are not good enough to exist or not deserving enough of their love. It's even more tragic when these are the same people for whose love and acceptance we crave. We can try as hard as we want but there would come a time when we'd wake up and realize that we are done trying. And when we stop trying and realize that there is pain in our hearts and the hurt is just too great to deal with, we just shut it in and let it be. As time goes by, and as we allow more and more hurts to heap up, we become nothing more than a being with stone cold insides. Yes, it's true. We create our own monsters by allowing hurt to fester and putrefy in our hearts. People today need to learn forgiveness. Forgiving others though a feat so tough can be accomplished with will, but to forgive one's self is a feat that can only be accomplished with the help of a wise man. A wise man called Acceptance. And only when we are able to accept ourselves for what we are and embrace our all imperfections and ambiguities will we truly be happy people. Everyday is a battle for me because I still am learning to love and accept myself. No one can love that little broken girl in me unless I love her first and truthfully, no one can love her as much as I could. It was a painful lesson learnt, but all for the better.

And if anyone can make it right, it's you.

After every cold, barren winter, comes spring. Beautiful and serene. Just because winter gave us a tough time, we do not take it out on spring do we? We get out as much as possible and smell the flowers and take a walk in the park. Or else we'll miss out entirely on Spring; its beauty and its joy. In the same way, we'll always meet new people who will enrich our lives. Just because a past friendship or relationship did not work out the way we hoped it would it would be both unfair and unwise to to take it out on the new people we meet. One man should never pay for another's mistakes and everyone deserves a chance. And if we keep shutting people out for the fear of getting hurt, we'll never be able to live life to it's fullest and we'd most definitely miss out on love and self development. Like Mark Twain said, love like you have never been hurt for every relationship is a new journey and new journeys take you new places. And in all honesty, you are the  Healing Hands for your Hurting Heart.

To live is to love.

Psalms and Laments: OH, MY BROKEN HEART!

You know that place?
That so lonely place?
That's where I hid
My broken heart.

Then I met you,
A wonderful you.
I dreamed you could heal
My broken heart.

You said "Prove me you're true,
Nothing but true!"
So I showed you
My broken heart.

You said "Ew! I am better,
Just so much better!"
But you couldn't fix
My broken heart.

You promised me love,
Nothing but love.
And you broke
My broken heart.

Somehow I had faith,
That love needed faith.
But you kept breaking
My broken heart.

Now I see me,
A frail, old  me.
And I will die, I will die.
I will die of a broken heart.

And I will die, I will die. I will die of a broken heart.

- Esther J./  27.09. 2013 (11.40 p.m)

TELL TALE: THE DOUGHNUT BOY

APPENDIX A

THE DOUGHNUT BOY

The smell of freshly baked doughnuts and cakes wafted through the cracks of my floorboards; my hungry stomach churned me awake and another typical morning of my ten-year-old life began, or so I thought. I rushed about, cleaning myself, eager for breakfast. Zooming down the stairs of my family’s shop lot, I collided with Grandma. “You silly boy!!” she screeched after me, her voiced accented with a soft, humor-filled chuckle, but I couldn’t care less, breakfast, oh sweet breakfast was calling my name.  I reached the foot of the staircase, panting like a dog as the waiters threw me glances that spelled utter disgust, smirking at one another.

Because I was the only grandchild of my grandmother’s, the coffee shop she owned downstairs, was my personal ‘playground’, a ‘land’ where milk and honey overflowed; where an awesome cook resided and noodles had various names.  I grabbed a clean, white plate from the huge stack by the window and I rushed towards the freshly baked pastries; my stubby fingers running over the round tarts and scones as I grabbed at them. The sharp rap by the wooden spoon on my knuckles stunned me, sending a wave of shock through my spine, causing me to drop the plate that I firmly gripped as my eyes filled with tears. “You stupid boy! Look at what you’ve done! That’s the third plate this week!” the waiter cried, his gaze cold and revolted as he continuously scanned my rather ‘prosperous’ figure up and down, stopping a while to stare into my eyes, daring me to retaliate; to call for Grandma.

 These were some of the times I wished Mama was still alive. Mama was ever so kind to me. She would always tell me how much she loved me and my round tummy. I wished she didn’t have to go away....

Suddenly, I was the five-year-old boy again, crying for Mama to come down, as her cold body hung in mid air, attached to the ceiling by a mere rope, on her birthday. The memory was like a vivid picture, painted against the canvas of my mind, now blurry.”Mama!” I screamed, startling the cook, causing him to drop the ladle into the boiling hot soup. “Oh, shut him up already! Before the old hag comes down!” the hushed sharp tone of the cook reached my ears, meaning to sting.  

The waiter grabbed me by my wrist and whispered; his paralanguage menacing, “So, u want your dead Mama, eh fat boy? Well, I hope she’ll come visit you!” He dragged me and pushed me into the huge freezer at the rear end of the kitchen, where he left me gagged and tied up.  I was crying; petrified. Both cold and hungry. The memories of growing up in this small predominantly Chinese shop lots played like a movie against my eyelids, as I closed my eyes, allowing carbon monoxide induced sleep to flood my consciousness.  Mama was right there, holding my hand, beckoning at me. I felt like a doughnut myself, with a hole of love deficit in the middle, needing to be filled. Maybe that is why I ate so much.

P/s: I wrote this for an assignment back in college. The lecturer provided us with a picture; based on which we had to write a text (appendix A). We were then supposed to highlight the different types of word classses found in our text. I had so much fun writing this and my lecturer was pleased to have literature for a grammar assignment as everyone else was writing on healthy eating and obesity and what not :) 

Commitment: A Routine and A Rose...

"The first kiss can be as terrifying as the last" 
-Diana Chaviano

Being kissed by another for the very first time can be quite a terrifying affair. From the conception of the very idea of being kissed, to the swooning day dreams, to the very moment of the kiss taking form, a person lives through a semi-nightmare. It is a feeling one finds very hard to describe as it accommodates a mixture of excitement and dread and makes space for both faith and doubt. Yes, first kisses are often made into mementos that mark the existence of a romantic in each individual; a chemistry of carnal desire and a need for love, acceptance and complement. First kisses are often a chivalrous step in any relationship because; it might as well be the last kiss.

A chemistry of carnal desire and a need for love, acceptance and complement.

Through the course of time, mankind has been made witnesses to the truth of love and the responsibility that comes with a marriage. We have lived through a time when women were viewed as mere objects, to the very now where they are important stake holders in the world's market place. We have lived through a time when coloured people were viewed as the least of the society, to the very now where they lead great nations. We have also lived through a time when education was bound within four walls, to the very now where universities have become virtual. Through all this progress, the fundamental need for love by mankind has remained a constant, not subject to time's vindictive course. However, I often wonder what is it about being loved or being in love that one find themselves very drawn to? What is it about this emotion that makes it a need for man to continue to thrive in life? I started writing this article about 6 months back and I was drawn to a pause at this question. And now 6 months later, after many experiences, tears under comforters and lengthy conversations over coffee and booze I believe I have come to a conclusion. The answer I believe lies in this one question: What is it that one expects out of a relationship? Some expect a routine and for some, it's the roses they seek.

Mankind needs love to thrive. -Abraham Maslow-

In the case of marriages, many enjoy the security; the knowledge that the love they share with their spouses is bound by a contract, recognized by the ruling state and furnished with an opt-out clause should either of them wish to leave. But more often than not, this need for emotional security does not only apply to married couples. Many want to be in a relationship so that they won’t be the only one without a date at prom, the only one who doesn't have the promise of a future with a spouse and kids, the only one who doesn't have a routine to fall into; someone to always call during lunch breaks at work, someone to be their plus-ones to events by default, someone to come home to day in and day out; knowing that the other person will be forever there, waiting. I have begun to realize that a sense of security comes with the knowledge or rather, the belief that nothing is going to change. Even though  more often than not, treating a relationship like a routine is going to cause it to lose its spark, the fact that the routine bit of it makes everything so familiar -like the back of one's hand or the lyrics to one's favourite song- makes it the easy way out. And even when things go spiraling down the drain and a marriage hasn't worked for the past 20 years, people seem to rather cling to all the broken pieces of the relationship they already have than undertake a new adventure. But then, after all that is said and done, no one wants to fall into a boring routine. Or do they? 

No one wants to fall into a boring routine, or do they?

Roses have always been a symbol for everything romantic, a signpost that screams CLICHE! but, excitement all the same. As a young girl, I grew older trying to man up and not show the world that on the inside, I am just as much a girl as the rest of the girls who wore skirts and liked pink. But then I grew up one day and realized that no matter how cliched it's going to sound, when a boy gives me a rose my heart is going to feel warm and my lips are going to curl up in a bashful smile. I am going to forever be  pleasantly surprised by something so predictable and it does not matter that the act is predictable to begin with, it excites me because I don't get roses everyday. It isn't engineered into my daily routine. As much as many seek the familiarity and security a relationship offers, there are also equal numbers that want a crazy, mind blowing, heart stopping kind of love; ones like that Fairytales preach and romance novels practice.Through the course of time, experts have always suggested that adding spice and sparks into one's relationship will cause the relationship to flourish further, hence making it a non-routine. I believe these advises come from numerous experiences of trial and error.  However at the end of the day, the happiest relationships seem to be the ones with an equal balance of both these elements: a bit of the routine and a bit of the rose.

Something so predictable, is forever going to make people smile.

And what happens if the routine and the rose no longer makes a person happy? Those who are more routine oriented would choose to stay and learn to be happy for the fear of not finding something better. And those who seek the rose would leave without a second thought, in pursuit of happiness. But only a true lover would struggle to make a decision, to come to peace with themselves and the circumstance at hand. It is best to let go and move on. And the struggle to do so will make stronger people or break the weaker ones just to build them back anew. And at this point, I ask myself, will the last kiss still be terrifying then? Now that one knows for certain that this is the end and it's time to move on, will the fear and struggle to let go still be there? I believe yes, for the future is still uncertain and loneliness looms ahead. But then again, just like what Lincoln said: What doesn't kill you, only makes you stronger; and strength -I believe- comes with being independent and loving unconditionally.

What doesn't kill you only makes you stronger. -Abraham Lincoln-