Commitment: A Routine and A Rose...

"The first kiss can be as terrifying as the last" 
-Diana Chaviano

Being kissed by another for the very first time can be quite a terrifying affair. From the conception of the very idea of being kissed, to the swooning day dreams, to the very moment of the kiss taking form, a person lives through a semi-nightmare. It is a feeling one finds very hard to describe as it accommodates a mixture of excitement and dread and makes space for both faith and doubt. Yes, first kisses are often made into mementos that mark the existence of a romantic in each individual; a chemistry of carnal desire and a need for love, acceptance and complement. First kisses are often a chivalrous step in any relationship because; it might as well be the last kiss.

A chemistry of carnal desire and a need for love, acceptance and complement.

Through the course of time, mankind has been made witnesses to the truth of love and the responsibility that comes with a marriage. We have lived through a time when women were viewed as mere objects, to the very now where they are important stake holders in the world's market place. We have lived through a time when coloured people were viewed as the least of the society, to the very now where they lead great nations. We have also lived through a time when education was bound within four walls, to the very now where universities have become virtual. Through all this progress, the fundamental need for love by mankind has remained a constant, not subject to time's vindictive course. However, I often wonder what is it about being loved or being in love that one find themselves very drawn to? What is it about this emotion that makes it a need for man to continue to thrive in life? I started writing this article about 6 months back and I was drawn to a pause at this question. And now 6 months later, after many experiences, tears under comforters and lengthy conversations over coffee and booze I believe I have come to a conclusion. The answer I believe lies in this one question: What is it that one expects out of a relationship? Some expect a routine and for some, it's the roses they seek.

Mankind needs love to thrive. -Abraham Maslow-

In the case of marriages, many enjoy the security; the knowledge that the love they share with their spouses is bound by a contract, recognized by the ruling state and furnished with an opt-out clause should either of them wish to leave. But more often than not, this need for emotional security does not only apply to married couples. Many want to be in a relationship so that they won’t be the only one without a date at prom, the only one who doesn't have the promise of a future with a spouse and kids, the only one who doesn't have a routine to fall into; someone to always call during lunch breaks at work, someone to be their plus-ones to events by default, someone to come home to day in and day out; knowing that the other person will be forever there, waiting. I have begun to realize that a sense of security comes with the knowledge or rather, the belief that nothing is going to change. Even though  more often than not, treating a relationship like a routine is going to cause it to lose its spark, the fact that the routine bit of it makes everything so familiar -like the back of one's hand or the lyrics to one's favourite song- makes it the easy way out. And even when things go spiraling down the drain and a marriage hasn't worked for the past 20 years, people seem to rather cling to all the broken pieces of the relationship they already have than undertake a new adventure. But then, after all that is said and done, no one wants to fall into a boring routine. Or do they? 

No one wants to fall into a boring routine, or do they?

Roses have always been a symbol for everything romantic, a signpost that screams CLICHE! but, excitement all the same. As a young girl, I grew older trying to man up and not show the world that on the inside, I am just as much a girl as the rest of the girls who wore skirts and liked pink. But then I grew up one day and realized that no matter how cliched it's going to sound, when a boy gives me a rose my heart is going to feel warm and my lips are going to curl up in a bashful smile. I am going to forever be  pleasantly surprised by something so predictable and it does not matter that the act is predictable to begin with, it excites me because I don't get roses everyday. It isn't engineered into my daily routine. As much as many seek the familiarity and security a relationship offers, there are also equal numbers that want a crazy, mind blowing, heart stopping kind of love; ones like that Fairytales preach and romance novels practice.Through the course of time, experts have always suggested that adding spice and sparks into one's relationship will cause the relationship to flourish further, hence making it a non-routine. I believe these advises come from numerous experiences of trial and error.  However at the end of the day, the happiest relationships seem to be the ones with an equal balance of both these elements: a bit of the routine and a bit of the rose.

Something so predictable, is forever going to make people smile.

And what happens if the routine and the rose no longer makes a person happy? Those who are more routine oriented would choose to stay and learn to be happy for the fear of not finding something better. And those who seek the rose would leave without a second thought, in pursuit of happiness. But only a true lover would struggle to make a decision, to come to peace with themselves and the circumstance at hand. It is best to let go and move on. And the struggle to do so will make stronger people or break the weaker ones just to build them back anew. And at this point, I ask myself, will the last kiss still be terrifying then? Now that one knows for certain that this is the end and it's time to move on, will the fear and struggle to let go still be there? I believe yes, for the future is still uncertain and loneliness looms ahead. But then again, just like what Lincoln said: What doesn't kill you, only makes you stronger; and strength -I believe- comes with being independent and loving unconditionally.

What doesn't kill you only makes you stronger. -Abraham Lincoln-

A Poem: A Reel of Time Gone By

To revive, to rekindle
This passion, I have hoped.
To once again feel
The warmth of desire.
But this hope, this dream,
Fades on to naught.
And I am left with a reel
Of time gone by dreams.

I jabbed, I fanned,
At the long dying embers;
Where the flame of our love,
Once burned bright, burned strong.
Now, in the cold I am left,
Alone, blind and wounded;
With a dream, a hope,
To resurrect a reel
Of time gone by dreams.

Should I leave, let go?
Or hold on and hope?
This love, this connection;
Will it fade or bold?
So many wants, so many desires.
Oh, I wish!
I wish,
Your heart was still home.

-Esther J. / 06. 07. 2013 ( 3.36 p.m.)

Oh, I wish! I wish your heart was still home.

Oru Kavithai : KATTHIRAVAN

Un swasa kaathre
Yen mel veesumpothellam,
Yen adhi manam silirkhum.
Oru seghepe rojaa pol pookum,
Thidir yendre oru punnagai.
Yennai ariyamal phorapadhum oru paadal,

Yen uthathrin valiyaaga
Manathin gathagathaphai oru kathaiyai solla.
Ithu kaadhala illai natpin kaavala?

Yen imaigal moodhi,
Intha ulagathai thianikapothellam,

Unidhamae yen yosanaigal thirumbum.

Andhru  oru puyal adhitha khadal pole alai modhina  yen idhayam,

Indhru oru amaidhiyana thendralai pol maarithru.

Yenthan sopanangalil valnthe kaalangel,

Oru paithiyakara sthanathaipol therigirathe.

Idhuvarai maranam adhaintha yen boologam,

Unnai khandhapin vasantham kandre  poothothathaipol malarnthathe.

Idhu kadhala illai natpin kaavala?

Thinamum suriyan uthirkum mun,
Un kural yen peiyerai aalaikum 
Isaikethu yelumbhuvaen, 
Yen ninaivil vaalum un mellia kural.
Yaarum asaika mudiyatha
Oru malaiyei pol vaalnthu vanthen,
Aanal un pakkathil irrukumbohtellam,
Oru sirru kulandhaiyeipol maarinen,
Yennai nee sirikaveithai, kaneer vadhikavaithai, valkaiyei varnikka veitai.
Yennai yenidham ketkaveithai,
Ithu kaadhala illai natpin kaavala?

Thooyarathil nee oru nalla nanban,
Yen thulaipaesiyil valnthevanthe snegithan,
Yen manathai thriudiya vasigaran,
Yennai sinthikaveitha orru kavinyan.

Aanal yellam melkondhu nee yenthan Katthiravan,

Karnanin parisu, yennidham.

Aanal yellam melkondhu nee yenthan Kathiravan, Karnanin parisu, yennidham.

-12/01/2013, Esther J.


P/s: Special thanks to Dharvin for proofreading and editing my kavithai so very early in the morning. Your grammatical insights are deeply appreciated  :)

Psalms and Laments: THE WALL

I was a wall,

The sun had scorched and left colourless.

Good fences I never knew,

Good neighbours, there never were.

Spring mending seasons,

Saw crickets out of hiding,

And the shade of trees some called friends.

But alas, my spring was in a dessert,

Where I was a wall.

In me, was a fortress

Savage; armed with thistles and thorns

The darkness of loneliness,

So well protected me.

And beyond the hill I oft’ looked.

Where many had friends in each hand,

Who pulled the other up firmly by the top.

Where the tale how each that have fallen to each,

Was chanted with pride.

For friends were true beyond the hill ,

Where there were no walls as I.

-Esther J, 2012.

Alone; Edgar Allan Poe.

Great Expectations

     
              "I'm not in this world to live up to your expectations and you're not in this world to live up to mine."
                            -Bruce Lee                                    

Growing up as a young and admittedly awkward child, I've learnt the hard way how much expectations can define one's dreams, plans and hopes for the future. Expectations, life has thought me can make or break an individual; defining his character - helping him discover both his strengths and weaknesses- giving him a place in the society. In the general Malaysian context, I would obnoxiously infer that expectations has hitherto formed the core of our nation. It's interesting how expectations are in fact ingested with amazing subtleness into the hearts of the people through formal education when even homes and families fail. We are expected to behave in a manner only accepted by the norm, where the adults always know better and good children are the ones that help with the household chores. Schools and classroom have taken it upon themselves to ingest into the children of today, expectations that would define these young ones and the future of our world as a whole. Expectations have not only moulded most people to be what they are it has also moulded the very system which our society runs by. Expectations have begot social conditioning that we subject our fellow human beings to on a day to day basis. It is expected of children to believe in whatever they are told and not to question 'truths'. Religion, as a major  aspect of society and civilization has been imposed onto people ever since forever. It is expected of a child to pledge to a certain believe system just because his parents have done so. Our society today has become almost autocratic in how it runs, denying  people the freedom to live by imposing expectations on them.I believe imposing one's believes, ideas and culture on another is to dehumanize the other. And it looks to me as if our world is headed for a mass dehumanizing massacre. As Mandela once said: when a man is denied the life he believes in, he is forced to become an outlaw.

Voices that seek to Outlaw.

I would however not rule out the prospect of expectations being constructive.A young child is thought great lessons in life through the imposition of expectations upon him. But the form that expectations take in these circumstances is of a whole different dimension and it is often in favour of the ideas, believes and most importantly happiness of the young life in concern. My dad often tells me that education is a gift from myself to me. That thought had moulded me as a person through the years to believe that each action I take today is the colour I'm using to paint the mosaic of my future. This has led me to to expect more from myself. Not to succumb to the expectations of the people around me rather do what makes me happy. I studied with all my might back in school not because my dad expected straight A's from me (my dad is a discipline teacher), rather because I learnt to understand that I am capable of producing good results if I worked hard enough and these results are not in favour of anyone's future but mine. This also taught me to not expect from others. In the case of examinations and awesome results, I grew up not expecting anything from my parents whenever I performed well because I grew to believe that they are not obliged to reward me for the things I do for the good of  myself. Also, time and again this dying world has seen leaders rising up to meet the expectations and needs at hand. The Anglo Americans needed freedom from slavery and Lincoln rose up to the need of the times and waged war against slavery which finally ended in victory for the slaves when Lincoln signed the Emancipation Proclamation. He was also the reason why America survived the American Civil War and did not break into smaller parts. All these wasn't expected of anyone but him because he was Mr.President then, and he rose up to meet those expectations making him one of the most loved and remembered forefathers of America.

"Blessed is he who expects nothing, for he shall never be disappointed"                         

                                                       -Benjamin Franklin.

Quoting Benjamin Franklin, another great President of America also one of the most revered Masonic leaders, is an unavoidable conclusion that we being mere humans do resort to being expectant of our surroundings and society. Time and again, we fall victim to disappointment because we resort to expecting.  Our days are subject to every tom, dick and harry that cross our paths for it is them that sculpt the very fibre of  the time we spend at our wake. Each happening in our day contributes an important percentile to determining the quality of the time spent that day and holistically if it was a good day or otherwise. More often than not, we allow the people who surround us and our daily happenings to determine our mood and temperament. We have always reacted to our surroundings, always expecting the world to be fair and our fellow humans to do things our way. Due to this pattern of being a reactant, we have fallen victim to disappointments in regards to unsatisfied expectations. If we would allow ourselves to take a step back and re-evaluate our lives and actually start responding to circumstances and people instead of merely reacting, we would definitely be happier people; so much less expectant.  For he who expects nothing shall never be disappointed or rather; he who expects less shall be disappointed less. In the light of this new year, I aspire to be less expectant, happier and self-motivated. I aspire to respond instead of reacting and allow myself to find joy in the little things in life that would send spasms into memories when I look back in years to come. Wishing all of you a blessed 2013; a Happy New Year of Great Expectations.

Beautiful Spasms.

Of the Blind and the Foolish : LOVE.

"And now these three remain: faith, hope and love. But the greatest of these is love." - 1 Corinthians 13:13, NIV (©1984)

 It's amazing how words that are centuries old  is still found applicable in the modern day context when the world around us can no longer be judged and viewed in the light of orthodox paradigms. And love has remained and I believe forever will in the hearts of man as the 'light at the end of the tunnel' that we keep seeking in the hopes that we would one day find. Time and again, history and mythology has borne witness to the fact that the need for love indeed has the power to manipulate logic and the conscience of man. Just how Paris of Troy abducted Helen of Sparta causing a 10-year- feud between the kingdoms and Fulbert castrated Peter Abelard around the year 1100 for he believed his beloved niece Heloise was abandoned by him, many of us have become victims of foolishness due to blinded logic where love ties the blindfold.

BLINDFOLDS

Being only human, our very existence is subjected to the views and norms that society imposes. And with such a background, more often than not, one's quest for love is often obstructed, adding a pinch of salt to the very idea of happily-ever-afters. And then, there is the interesting perspective of how we humans crave for forbidden things, which seem so much more exciting than anything that comes easy. And somehow, forbidden love affairs seem to fall under the same category as well.

Growing up that involved Indian aunties and Asian believes has tried to teach me that falling in love is tabooed, arranged marriages work best and that it is important to put your family's pride, dignity and social status above your heart and believes. And due to such impositions, cases of suicides and elopement have become something that today's generation has familiarized itself to. And I can't help but stand awestruck at the fact that society would go lengths just to get things done in a manner that it finds pleasing; even against something as natural as falling in love

As cliched as this may sound, I believe that love is something that each and everyone of us have to seek in order to find. It was never the given-element, neither was it meant to be forbidden. Love, I believe is just like finance. The wisdom to manage it comes with maturity and experience, and it has to be sought by one to call it his own. The green-light to fall in love is one of the biggest gifts parents can give to their kids as falling in love can teach you many lessons that self-seeking family social statuses wont. Society has to stop portraying the innocence of love in the wrong light as it gives young people the idea that it is wrong to have feelings and desires and only the notorious follow the path of love.

Another disease that is seemingly attacking today's generation as far as love is concerned is this misconception of 'fun'. The globalized world advocates that love is meant for the older the generation and fun is the the lingo of the young. We see people getting involved in immoral activities and then justifying their acts with their youth. This corruption does not only sadden me, it revolts me. Friendship was never meant to come with benefits and love was always a game for two. There is no reason why young people should not fall in love nor is there a reason why young love cannot last. The fear of getting hurt in the course of commitment is often the reason used to make fooling around seem okay. A young boy of thirteen once told me; long ago: "Esther, no one falls in love to fall out of it and no one gets into a relationship wanting to break up. This might be your first relationship as it is mine, and it is definitely up to us to make it our last. It is up to us to fight and not give up on our believes. Falling in love has nothing to do with age but everything to do with maturity. Just because we are young, doesn't mean what we have is not real." And these are the words I am holding on to till present day. That young boy is long gone, but his word lives, resounding nothing but the truth.

OPEN YOUR EYES AND SEE

To reflect on the matter as a whole, it is entirely up to us as individuals to not let ourselves to be blinded by misconceptions and lies. It is also up to us to stand up for our believes and have the courage to fall in love and most of all to see falling in love for what it really is: a divine gift to mankind. Yes, Eve's love for knowledge led to the fall of mankind when she took a bite of the Forbidden Fruit, but if only she wasn't so blind to not see the love of her Creator for her, she wouldn't have fallen for the trickery of the Serpent. And as such, it is entirely up to us to open our eyes and see love in it's true form.






P/s:  This entry is dedicated to Miss T as it was written upon her request.

HUEMAN

Talking to people has not only taught me, it has formed me and ingested into me the personality I am today. Talking to people has also helped me find myself, my place and my purpose in the society.The want and need to be different in a society that has adopted typicality as its ideology is indeed a tiresome plight that a few- like I- have chose to take upon themselves. 

I believe that the human race is made of colours and to be different is a gift. Even as a young child, I grew up as a mismatch that was more often ignored than misunderstood. I never fit in with girls and their little cliques and Barbie was never my favourite person. In fact, every Barbie I received for birthdays and Christmas made me wonder why is society socialized as such that girls like Barbie dolls. Living in a surrounding that subjected me to stereotyping bore me the label : NERD. Just because I found comfort in books and found Literature invigorating alongside History, many my age considered me weird, boring and old school. It would be a blatant lie if I said that the fact that I was very different from other children never bothered me. It did bother me, in fact it bothered me so much that there were nights when I would just lie in bed hating myself for being the odd one out.

 "With maturity, comes acceptance." -  Joshua Thevavelan

My daddy's words held a lot of truth, when I look back now. As I grew up, I began to accept myself and my differences. I knew I was meant to be different all along but somehow making peace with that fact was a thoroughly difficult process. In today's world, many are still struggling with against this Giant called SELF, failing to grow up in the process of growing old. The ability to accept has become such a rare attribute that it is almost an art that one has to learn how to master. 


Acceptance begins with one's self. It is always easier to accept others, as much as it is easier to judge others.  Self acceptance can be coined as one of the biggest struggles of the generation today, for individuality has lost its meaning resulting in a whole generation of vibrant people trying to de-colourize themselves in order to fit themselves into a bland picture known as the Social Community. The want for the acceptance of others has overpowered individualism and the need for assurance has outweighed personality; the very sad yet undeniably true status quo of the globalized world.


And at dusk, when it comes to reflecting on who I truly am as a member of the society, as a daughter, as friend, as a teacher-in-the-making, as a person, all I see is colours. I am defined by colours and justified by hue. I will not allow myself to be silenced by the screams of the world around me to lose my hue neither would I give in on this battle to celebrate the colours I am made of. Just like a peacock's  feather, I too am made of vibrant exuberance and most importantly colours. For I am only HUEMAN.

"...vibrant exuberance and most importantly, colours."