Friday 27 September 2013

Psalms and Laments: OH, MY BROKEN HEART!

You know that place?
That so lonely place?

That's where I hid
My broken heart.


Then I met you,
A wonderful you.

I dreamed you could heal
My broken heart.

You said "Prove me you're true,
Nothing but true!"
So I showed you
My broken heart.


You said "Ew! I am better,
Just so much better!"

But you couldn't fix
My broken heart.


You promised me love,
Nothing but love.
And you broke
My broken heart.


Somehow I had faith,
That love needed faith.

But you kept breaking
My broken heart.

Now I see me,
A frail, old  me.
And I will die, I will die.
I will die of a broken heart.



And I will die, I will die. I will die of a broken heart.


- Esther J./  27.09. 2013 (11.40 p.m)

Wednesday 25 September 2013

TELL TALE: THE DOUGHNUT BOY


APPENDIX A


THE DOUGHNUT BOY
The smell of freshly baked doughnuts and cakes wafted through the cracks of my floorboards; my hungry stomach churned me awake and another typical morning of my ten-year-old life began, or so I thought. I rushed about, cleaning myself, eager for breakfast. Zooming down the stairs of my family’s shop lot, I collided with Grandma. “You silly boy!!” she screeched after me, her voiced accented with a soft, humor-filled chuckle, but I couldn’t care less, breakfast, oh sweet breakfast was calling my name.  I reached the foot of the staircase, panting like a dog as the waiters threw me glances that spelled utter disgust, smirking at one another.


Because I was the only grandchild of my grandmother’s, the coffee shop she owned downstairs, was my personal ‘playground’, a ‘land’ where milk and honey overflowed; where an awesome cook resided and noodles had various names.  I grabbed a clean, white plate from the huge stack by the window and I rushed towards the freshly baked pastries; my stubby fingers running over the round tarts and scones as I grabbed at them. The sharp rap by the wooden spoon on my knuckles stunned me, sending a wave of shock through my spine, causing me to drop the plate that I firmly gripped as my eyes filled with tears. “You stupid boy! Look at what you’ve done! That’s the third plate this week!” the waiter cried, his gaze cold and revolted as he continuously scanned my rather ‘prosperous’ figure up and down, stopping a while to stare into my eyes, daring me to retaliate; to call for Grandma.
 These were some of the times I wished Mama was still alive. Mama was ever so kind to me. She would always tell me how much she loved me and my round tummy. I wished she didn’t have to go away....

Suddenly, I was the five-year-old boy again, crying for Mama to come down, as her cold body hung in mid air, attached to the ceiling by a mere rope, on her birthday. The memory was like a vivid picture, painted against the canvas of my mind, now blurry.”Mama!” I screamed, startling the cook, causing him to drop the ladle into the boiling hot soup. “Oh, shut him up already! Before the old hag comes down!” the hushed sharp tone of the cook reached my ears, meaning to sting.  
The waiter grabbed me by my wrist and whispered; his paralanguage menacing, “So, u want your dead Mama, eh fat boy? Well, I hope she’ll come visit you!” He dragged me and pushed me into the huge freezer at the rear end of the kitchen, where he left me gagged and tied up.  I was crying; petrified. Both cold and hungry. The memories of growing up in this small predominantly Chinese shop lots played like a movie against my eyelids, as I closed my eyes, allowing carbon monoxide induced sleep to flood my consciousness.  Mama was right there, holding my hand, beckoning at me. I felt like a doughnut myself, with a hole of love deficit in the middle, needing to be filled. Maybe that is why I ate so much.


P/s: I wrote this for an assignment back in college. The lecturer provided us with a picture; based on which we had to write a text (appendix A). We were then supposed to highlight the different types of word classses found in our text. I had so much fun writing this and my lecturer was pleased to have literature for a grammar assignment as everyone else was writing on healthy eating and obesity and what not :) 


Tuesday 6 August 2013

Commitment: A Routine and A Rose...

"The first kiss can be as terrifying as the last" 
-Diana Chaviano


Being kissed by another for the very first time can be quite a terrifying affair. From the conception of the very idea of being kissed, to the swooning day dreams, to the very moment of the kiss taking form, a person lives through a semi-nightmare. It is a feeling one finds very hard to describe as it accommodates a mixture of excitement and dread and makes space for both faith and doubt. Yes, first kisses are often made into mementos that mark the existence of a romantic in each individual; a chemistry of carnal desire and a need for love, acceptance and complement. First kisses are often a chivalrous step in any relationship because; it might as well be the last kiss.

A chemistry of carnal desire and a need for love, acceptance and complement.

Through the course of time, mankind has been made witnesses to the truth of love and the responsibility that comes with a marriage. We have lived through a time when women were viewed as mere objects, to the very now where they are important stake holders in the world's market place. We have lived through a time when coloured people were viewed as the least of the society, to the very now where they lead great nations. We have also lived through a time when education was bound within four walls, to the very now where universities have become virtual. Through all this progress, the fundamental need for love by mankind has remained a constant, not subject to time's vindictive course. However, I often wonder what is it about being loved or being in love that one find themselves very drawn to? What is it about this emotion that makes it a need for man to continue to thrive in life? I started writing this article about 6 months back and I was drawn to a pause at this question. And now 6 months later, after many experiences, tears under comforters and lengthy conversations over coffee and booze I believe I have come to a conclusion. The answer I believe lies in this one question: What is it that one expects out of a relationship? Some expect a routine and for some, it's the roses they seek.

Mankind needs love to thrive. -Abraham Maslow-

In the case of marriages, many enjoy the security; the knowledge that the love they share with their spouses is bound by a contract, recognized by the ruling state and furnished with an opt-out clause should either of them wish to leave. But more often than not, this need for emotional security does not only apply to married couples. Many want to be in a relationship so that they won’t be the only one without a date at prom, the only one who doesn't have the promise of a future with a spouse and kids, the only one who doesn't have a routine to fall into; someone to always call during lunch breaks at work, someone to be their plus-ones to events by default, someone to come home to day in and day out; knowing that the other person will be forever there, waiting. I have begun to realize that a sense of security comes with the knowledge or rather, the belief that nothing is going to change. Even though  more often than not, treating a relationship like a routine is going to cause it to lose its spark, the fact that the routine bit of it makes everything so familiar -like the back of one's hand or the lyrics to one's favourite song- makes it the easy way out. And even when things go spiraling down the drain and a marriage hasn't worked for the past 20 years, people seem to rather cling to all the broken pieces of the relationship they already have than undertake a new adventure. But then, after all that is said and done, no one wants to fall into a boring routine. Or do they? 

No one wants to fall into a boring routine, or do they?

Roses have always been a symbol for everything romantic, a signpost that screams CLICHE! but, excitement all the same. As a young girl, I grew older trying to man up and not show the world that on the inside, I am just as much a girl as the rest of the girls who wore skirts and liked pink. But then I grew up one day and realized that no matter how cliched it's going to sound, when a boy gives me a rose my heart is going to feel warm and my lips are going to curl up in a bashful smile. I am going to forever be  pleasantly surprised by something so predictable and it does not matter that the act is predictable to begin with, it excites me because I don't get roses everyday. It isn't engineered into my daily routine. As much as many seek the familiarity and security a relationship offers, there are also equal numbers that want a crazy, mind blowing, heart stopping kind of love; ones like that Fairytales preach and romance novels practice.Through the course of time, experts have always suggested that adding spice and sparks into one's relationship will cause the relationship to flourish further, hence making it a non-routine. I believe these advises come from numerous experiences of trial and error.  However at the end of the day, the happiest relationships seem to be the ones with an equal balance of both these elements: a bit of the routine and a bit of the rose.

Something so predictable, is forever going to make people smile.

And what happens if the routine and the rose no longer makes a person happy? Those who are more routine oriented would choose to stay and learn to be happy for the fear of not finding something better. And those who seek the rose would leave without a second thought, in pursuit of happiness. But only a true lover would struggle to make a decision, to come to peace with themselves and the circumstance at hand. It is best to let go and move on. And the struggle to do so will make stronger people or break the weaker ones just to build them back anew. And at this point, I ask myself, will the last kiss still be terrifying then? Now that one knows for certain that this is the end and it's time to move on, will the fear and struggle to let go still be there? I believe yes, for the future is still uncertain and loneliness looms ahead. But then again, just like what Lincoln said: What doesn't kill you, only makes you stronger; and strength -I believe- comes with being independent and loving unconditionally.

What doesn't kill you only makes you stronger. -Abraham Lincoln-



Saturday 6 July 2013

A Poem: A Reel of Time Gone By


To revive, to rekindle
This passion, I have hoped.
To once again feel
The warmth of desire.
But this hope, this dream,
Fades on to naught.
And I am left with a reel
Of time gone by dreams.

I jabbed, I fanned,
At the long dying embers;

Where the flame of our love,
Once burned bright, burned strong.
Now, in the cold I am left,
Alone, blind and wounded;

With a dream, a hope,
To resurrect a reel
Of time gone by dreams.

Should I leave, let go?
Or hold on and hope?

This love, this connection;
Will it fade or bold?
So many wants, so many desires.
Oh, I wish!
I wish,
Your heart was still home.


-Esther J. / 06. 07. 2013 ( 3.36 p.m.)

Oh, I wish! I wish your heart was still home.

Friday 11 January 2013

Oru Kavithai : KATTHIRAVAN




Un swasa kaathre

Yen mel veesumpothellam,
Yen adhi manam silirkhum.
Oru seghepe rojaa pol pookum,
Thidir yendre oru punnagai.
Yennai ariyamal phorapadhum oru paadal,
Yen uthathrin valiyaaga
Manathin gathagathaphai oru kathaiyai solla.

Ithu kaadhala illai natpin kaavala?


Yen imaigal moodhi,
Intha ulagathai thianikapothellam,
Unidhamae yen yosanaigal thirumbum.
Andhru  oru puyal adhitha khadal pole alai modhina  yen idhayam,
Indhru oru amaidhiyana thendralai pol maarithru.
Yenthan sopanangalil valnthe kaalangel,
Oru paithiyakara sthanathaipol therigirathe.
Idhuvarai maranam adhaintha yen boologam,
Unnai khandhapin vasantham kandre  poothothathaipol malarnthathe.
Idhu kadhala illai natpin kaavala?


Thinamum suriyan uthirkum mun,
Un kural yen peiyerai aalaikum 
Isaikethu yelumbhuvaen, 
Yen ninaivil vaalum un mellia kural.
Yaarum asaika mudiyatha
Oru malaiyei pol vaalnthu vanthen,
Aanal un pakkathil irrukumbohtellam,
Oru sirru kulandhaiyeipol maarinen,
Yennai nee sirikaveithai, kaneer vadhikavaithai, valkaiyei varnikka veitai.
Yennai yenidham ketkaveithai,

Ithu kaadhala illai natpin kaavala?


Thooyarathil nee oru nalla nanban,
Yen thulaipaesiyil valnthevanthe snegithan,
Yen manathai thriudiya vasigaran,
Yennai sinthikaveitha orru kavinyan.



Aanal yellam melkondhu nee yenthan Katthiravan,
Karnanin parisu, yennidham.



Aanal yellam melkondhu nee yenthan Kathiravan, Karnanin parisu, yennidham.

-12/01/2013, Esther J.


P/s: Special thanks to Dharvin for proofreading and editing my kavithai so very early in the morning. Your grammatical insights are deeply appreciated  :)

Tuesday 1 January 2013

Psalms and Laments: THE WALL



I was a wall,
The sun had scorched and left colourless.
Good fences I never knew,
Good neighbours, there never were.

Spring mending seasons,
Saw crickets out of hiding,
And the shade of trees some called friends.
But alas, my spring was in a dessert,
Where I was a wall.

In me, was a fortress
Savage; armed with thistles and thorns
The darkness of loneliness,
So well protected me.

And beyond the hill I oft’ looked.
Where many had friends in each hand,
Who pulled the other up firmly by the top.

Where the tale how each that have fallen to each,
Was chanted with pride.
For friends were true beyond the hill ,
Where there were no walls as I.

-Esther J, 2012.

Alone; Edgar Allan Poe.